The Pits

THE LAST LAFF

That's gonna leave a mark...

Rusty Wallace went on a safari trip to Africa, but as the plane he was flying headed south over the Sahara, it developed engine trouble and crashed.

Rusty managed to struggle out of the wreckage, but the plane was trashed. So he began the long journey to civilization.

He walked all day, then finally found a place to stay the night in some old ruins. As he was brushing the sand away from where he wanted to sleep, he discovered an ancient lamp. He began brushing the dust from it, when suddenly, a genie popped out!

"You are granted three wishes!" the genie boomed. "However, I am required by the Genie Advertisement Council to advise you that whatever you wish for, your nearest competitor, Dale Earnhardt, will recieve double what you wish for."

"DRAT!" said Rusty. "I can't seem to get rid of that guy! Ok...here goes...I wish to have another Winston Cup Championship."

POOF! "You will be at the head of the class in the 1997 Winston Cup Championship." said the genie. "Realize, however, Dale has the 1998 and 1999 Championships wrapped up."

"Like he doesn't have enough already! Well, whatever. I wish to have another airplane to get out of here." said Rusty. "A Championship is no good if I can't get back!"

POOF! There on the sand sat a brand new Cessna. "Alright!" yelled Rusty. "I don't care if he gets double...I'm ready for my last wish!"

"Go ahead!" boomed Genie. "And don't take all day...I've got a bowling match at seven!"

"No problemo!" grinned Rusty.

"For my last wish, I'd like you to strangle me half to death!"

Exotic Computer Viruses

If you have some more viruses to add to our list...feel free!

Have rat, will travel.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Every Silver Spoon has a Cold Bed...

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? -- The Washington Post

Allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over Bravo-one-niner beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! **I'm** holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause, then 1st voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know." --Mark Twain

If you have a submission for The Last Laff, email it to us...we can always use new material!

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